How one small pronoun can reveal and reshape the culture of a school’s leadership
I can still picture my first day as a superintendent over ten years ago. I was sitting behind my desk with a problem in front of me, trying to decide who I should take it to. Then it hit me: me. I was the superintendent. There was no other superintendent down the hall waiting to tell me what to do. That was both exciting and, if I am honest, a little terrifying.
It did not take long for me to learn something equally important. Being responsible for a problem did not mean I had to solve it alone. In fact, the hardest problems almost always got better when I worked through them with my leadership team. They saw things I did not see. They asked questions I had not considered. And more often than I would like to admit they told me I was wrong.
More than a decade later, at the first meeting of our Administrator Academy at the Pan American School of Bahia, I wrote a simple question for the group: Who is “they”?
Every school leader has heard “They changed the schedule.” “They did not communicate.” “They expect us to make this work.” Sometimes “they” means the superintendent. Sometimes it means the principals, the business office, the Board, another division, or a vague collection of people who apparently have more information, more authority, and considerably fewer problems than the rest of us. But when the people in the room are the leaders responsible for the school, the answer becomes a little uncomfortable: They is us.
The Problem With “They”
I do not believe we use the word “they” because we are trying to damage the organization. Most of the time, the reason is much more human. Someone is frustrated, and we want that person to know we understand. Saying, “I know; they made that decision,” can feel sympathetic. It also keeps us safely out of the line of fire. I have done it, and in the moment it seems harmless. The person feels heard, we avoid an argument, and everyone leaves the conversation reasonably calm.
The problem shows up later. The listener walks away believing there are two groups inside the school: the sensible administrator standing in front of them and the distant, unreasonable people who made the decision. Do this often enough and people learn to shop for answers. They ask one administrator, then another, until they find the answer they want. Ordinary disagreement begins to look like dysfunction.
The language affects leaders too. The more often I describe my colleagues as “they,” the easier it becomes to believe that the school’s problems belong to someone else. That is a comfortable place to stand, but it is not leadership.
Disagreeing Without Dividing
Speaking with one voice does not mean sitting silently in meetings, nodding politely, and agreeing with the superintendent. A leadership team that never disagrees is not being completely honest or is having much more interesting conversations after the meeting. We can make a decision and then communicate it responsibly, but if new information shows that we got it wrong, we go back to the team and reconsider it. Schools are complicated and messy. Sometimes we will get things wrong.
What we should not do is protect our personal credibility by spending the school’s credibility. “They decided this” may keep me popular for five minutes. “We made this decision, and here is why” is harder, but it is honest. It also leaves room to say, “I understand why this is difficult.” Responsibility and empathy can exist in the same sentence.
A Group of Leaders Is Not Always a Team
At our first Administrator Academy session, the question “Who is they?” led us into a larger conversation. What happens to our language when pressure rises? Do we point upward, downward, or sideways? Do we bring a concern back to the people who can actually address it? Do we explain the context, or do we simply make it clear that none of this was our idea? These moments shape culture far more than we sometimes realize. Culture is built in strategic plans and formal meetings, but it is also built in hallways, parent conferences, WhatsApp messages, and the five-minute conversation that no one expects will be repeated. It almost always is.
So, who is “they”? It’s us. Once we accept that, we can stop pointing across the table and begin the real work of becoming a team.
PHOTO CAPTION — Top row, left to right: PASB Executive Director to the Board and Superintendent Maitê Duarte; High School Principal Dr. Jeff Shirk; Superintendent Dr. Stephen Bigelow; Elementary Principal Aga Fernandes; Brazilian Program Director Thaisa Holanda; Middle School Principal Eric Toohey; and IT Director Santiago Santarém. Bottom row, left to right: Human Resources Director Renata Giannotto; Dean of Students Fabiana Dorea; Early Childhood Center Director Roberta Rodrigues; Marketing Director Graziela Arakawa; Director of Business, Finance, and Operations Marina Skelton; and Admissions Director Valquiria Voltarelli.
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